..that she hadn't worn in almost 3.5 years.
Hi friends. Let's talk a little about my story, how The Blossom Revolution came to be, and how it came to a head with a carolina blue bikini from Venus.
In the summer leading into my senior year of college, I felt safe enough in myself and my body that I wanted to compete in a Miss America local competition. In the spring, I had been in a show where I was half-naked, I had been treating myself better than before, and I saw what the program could do for young women. I borrowed some wardrobe from my friend, picked a talent song, wrote my paperwork, and then all that was left was putting it together.
It was early August and I was trying on my wardrobe for my roommates. It was the kind of sticky heat that makes everything cling a little tighter, and as I changed out of my black velvet evening gown (always start with what the people want) I called down to my friends to say what I should put on next. Swimsuit was requested and I happily obliged. This was the second time I had gotten my swimsuit, because the first time the bottoms were clearly not going to fit all the junk inside my trunk. No worries, I thought. I just did't know this company's sizing. My mind couldn't get unstuck from that number, though. I was so used to identifying with this one number and for it to not fit was really messing with me.
But I had gotten the next size up, and I slipped on the top. No issues. I held my breath as I shimmied on the bottoms, hoping and praying that this size would magically make the perceived bulges out of my stomach, hips, and thighs go away. I think I closed my eyes when they were on. When I opened them, I can't remember much except having a complete meltdown. All of the flaws that I thought would go away with a bigger size didn't, and instead, I felt as if I were in a funhouse mirror. I couldn't believe myself that I was going to get on stage looking like that. I said some really nasty, hateful, hurtful things to myself in that moment.
I was really going to look like that? I went up a size to still have bulges out of the bottom of my swimsuits. I went up a size for it still not to fit? I'm much worse off than I thought. My nails dug into my stomach as if I could tear away my stomach. I took a picture of myself in the swimsuit and sent it to my mom, telling her that I couldn't believe I was so ugly and fat.
You guys. I said that to my mom. About myself.
I didn't go back downstairs. I dropped out of the pageant. A week later I passed out in a hot yoga class. I got back into counseling. I got better. I am better.
After that, I had a strained relationship with swimsuits. Even when I knew my body served its function, that it was good and healthy the way it was, that I can't change the way it looks and to do so would lead down an awful path, I still fixated on what drove me crazy in the mirror so long ago. Until last weekend.
As I was spring cleaning, I was going through boxes that have moved with me from dorms to basements, across state lines, and through 3 different apartments. After all this time, that blue bikini was there, waiting for me. And I put it on.
Here's the thing. I don't remember what I weighed back then. I don't know what I weigh now. My weight distribution is probably the same. I probably have not drastically changed my body appearance since that episode in the mirror.
But you guys. I put that swimsuit on and DAMN. I LOOKED GOOD.
Again, my body didn't change. But my mind sure as hell did.
I didn't set out to have this incredibly cathartic experience, and my hands were fully shaking when I rediscovered the stiff material. I held my breath and I think I closed my eyes. When I opened them, I was looking at myself, almost 4 years ago. My body had not changed. My bulges and lumps and bumps were still there. I wished that I could step through the mirror to that Madison- take her hands away from her stomach, show her that her thighs are beautiful, that her caboose is to die for, and that years from now she will celebrate her changing figure.
But the only thing I could do now was celebrate. And dance a little. I put on some heels, blasted some Lizzo, and had the swimsuit competition that I didn't get to in 2016.